


Finding Hope at 3:00 AM

by ZigguratRolsovitch



Series: Jedi Academy 101 [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Bad Parent Han Solo, Ben and Finn are half brothers, F/M, Force Bond, Good Parent Lando, Jedi Ben Solo, Jedi Finn, Jedi Rey, Jedi Rose, Jedi Training, Leia Calrissian has a nice ring to it, Leia and Lando are married, Past Leia Organa/Han Solo, With a side of Finnrose, Young Ben Solo, Young Finn, Young Rey, jedi academy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2019-04-23 09:34:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14329587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZigguratRolsovitch/pseuds/ZigguratRolsovitch
Summary: Jedi Academy Au: Ben Solo is plagued by nightmares, Luke is at his wits end, Finn just wants to help his brother and Rey is caught in the middle of the great Skywalker drama that seems to so often throw the galaxy into disarray. Will this new generation of Jedi be able to finally bring balance to the galaxy or bring more chaos?A series of oneshots.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Prologue:

In the dead of a night there was a sudden ripple within the force. A powerful surge and Luke shot up in his bed the moment he heard the screams. He threw off his blankets and rushed out of his room and down the halls straight to the rooms which the screams came from just in time to hear it.

"Uncle Luke! Help!" Finn's voice came through the door and the boy slammed into him as he opened up the door and tried to run into the hall to come get him in his room. The boy looked up wide eyed at his uncle. "Uncle Luke it's Ben! He's having another nightmare!"

"I know. I've felt it." Luke patted his nephew's head gently as he stepped around him and into the room to sit on the bed. Finn knew it was dangerous to wake Ben from his nightmares and wisely did the right thing by calling for him. Setting his hand on Ben's shoulder he held on in case he might strike out and shook him. "Ben! Ben wake up!"

A glass of water on the nightstand next to the bed shattered under the force that Ben was using to fend off whatever was tormenting him in his dreams. It happened nearly every night and Luke was at his wits end. None of them were getting the proper amount of sleep that they needed. Nothing he did stopped the nightmares.

The power of the force knocked books from the shelves and the entire dresser groaned and fell forward, narrowly avoiding crushing them.

"Finn, wait outside. It's too dangerous." Luke took a breath and focused on the force, struggled to chase away the shadows with the light. It was then that Ben shot up and grabbed the front of Luke's robes, desperately grasping at him, looking wide eyed and terrified like a wild animal caught in a snare.

"She needs me!"

"What? Who? Who needs you, Ben?" If he was honest Luke had thought he had seen it all with this kid, but now he was shouting out nonsense when he was completely awake.

"She needs me." Ben insisted once more, trying to squirm out of Luke's grasp, but it was no use... Luke was far stronger than he was.

"You need to calm down and get some rest. You've only had a nightmare." However Luke's words seemed to hold no weight to a young boy waking from a nightmare and he continued to struggle so seeing no other choice Luke summoned up a force technique to put him to sleep, send him into oblivion where the nightmares couldn't reach him and he could finally get the rest he needed.

Luke didn't like having to resort to something like that, but he felt he had little choice in the matter. Standing from the bed Luke surveyed the room and the damage that had been done... all the broken glass and the overturned furniture. He moved to call some droids into the room and as he stepped outside they rushed past him to hurry to clean it up.

"Finn, I think it's best that you sleep with me tonight." He made the decision that for now it was too dangerous for them to be sleeping together in the same room. He couldn't risk Finn being harmed during one of Ben's nightmares so he would arrange for another room to be set up in the morning. This had gone on long enough.

"Uncle Luke... what's going to happen to Ben?" Although it was a question from a child's prospective... it was a loaded one. One that even Luke did not have an answer to, but he couldn't tell the hopeful boy that he had no clue.

"Everything will be fine. Don't worry." Luke reached down to lift the small boy into his arms and carried him into his room where he tucked him away into bed. "Now... get some rest. We still have to study tomorrow."

Once he was sure Finn was securely tucked in he moved over to his desk and made a call to Leia. She needed to know that the situation was getting worse and that he was at his wits end with it.

"Luke?" Leia's voice seemed a little startled. It was painfully obvious that she knew that there could only be one reason that Luke was calling at this time. "He's had another nightmare hasn't he?"

"I'm afraid they're getting worse. Tonight was... unlike anything I've ever seen... he kept trying to insist that someone needed him..." Luke sighed. "It's a shame about Han... a boy could use his father in times like these..."

Of course the comment had Leia looking away for a moment. It had been years since Han had left. He hadn't handled the responsibility of being a father very well... nor the fact that their son was out of control. That things frequently broke at the slightest shift in mood. Han had the nerve to tell her that he had wished they'd had a _'normal'_ son.

"Lando and I could come and see him... I'll try to make some time." Leia responded after a moment and Luke nodded.

"I think that would be good for him. For both of them. In the meantime... I'll do what I can from my end." Luke sighed softly and rubbed a hand over his face. "How is Lando?"

"Asleep. He had a long meeting with some Republic dignitaries. You can imagine."

"I don't envy him. Or you for that matter." He had never really been into the political scene and preferred to keep it that way.

"Hi mommy." A small voice spoke up and Luke glanced back at Finn.

"Hi baby. Are you having fun with uncle Luke?" Leia's voice changed to something cheery and soft for her boy. "Mommy and daddy are going to come see you soon, would you like that?"

Luke smiled softly when he saw the boy's eyes light up as he nodded enthusiastically. It was a shame Ben couldn't receive this news the same way, but it would be a pleasant surprise he was sure.

"Alright, we'll get some rest tonight and get everything ready for your parents." Luke tried to keep things light for Finn. The boy didn't need to be burdened by all of this. "Goodnight, Leia."

"Good night you two."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had to find you, had to let you know  
> That you aren't all alone,  
> We didn't make the rules  
> I had to find you, had to get right back  
> To you, it's always been you
> 
> Who Would Have Thought - Darren Hayes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Six years later...

"Ben, this is a bad idea. You're going to get in trouble." An eleven year old Finn was staring up at his brother as he tossed a bag into the cockpit of Luke's precious X-Wing and climbing his way into it. At sixteen it wasn't even legal to fly! And yet here his brother was getting into trouble again.

"So don't tell Luke and it will be fine." There was no use in lying. He had no idea what he was doing and he was terrified. His hands were shaking as he flipped the switches to get the engine started up. "Cover for me."

"Ben." Finn whined and nervously clutched at his little stuffed Tooka doll that mirrored one Ben had in childhood. Almost matching, just a different color. "Why are you doing this?"

"Because I have to find... something." He shook his head, because if he was honest he really didn't know if he was going to find what he was looking for, but he did know that Luke couldn't help him... wouldn't believe him... and so he had to do this on his own. "I'll be back... hopefully with what I'm looking for."  
  


Pulling the canopy down he pushed forward on the throttle and the ship rushed out of the hanger so fast he felt his entire body jerk and slam into the seat. He had to quickly gather himself after the rough start, but he managed to get a handle on the speed. The last thing he saw as he glanced back was Luke rushing after him, but without his fighter he couldn't catch him. Luke didn't even know where he was going.

He didn't even know where he was going. Ben really hoped that he wasn't making a big mistake here, but he was going out on a limb because for some reason the force was calling to him and he kept having these dreams. He felt that it would not stop until he answered the call.

"Please... please..." He pleaded under his breath, closing his eyes and leaning his head back against the seat. He had no idea where to start... where to go... how to find what he was looking for so he begged the Force to aid him. To give him some sort of sign.

Instead it seemed lack of sleep from endless nightmares reached him before anything else did. He slipped far into that darkness once more.

There the darkness faded into the familiar dream he'd started having six years ago.

_He was never sure where he was, but he woke up on a hill underneath a tree that overlooked a field of rye._

_The woman bathed in light was there, but she was blindingly bright and he had to bring a hand up in front of his eyes to try to block some of the light out. He slowly at up, tried to strain his eyes to see. It made no difference. Like every other time he could not see the face of this woman before him._

_"Who are you?" He tried the same question that he always had and as every other time -although he could not see it- he sensed she gave him a wistful smile and went back to waiting._

And then the dream vanished as it always had. He was left with an emptiness inside of him. A longing. He shifted in his seat and struggled to slip back into that dream. To a place where he belonged, but a harsh banging outside the cockpit brought him back to reality.

That... that didn't make sense. How...? He peeked an eye open to find the face of a shady Crolute looking right back at him. He certainly wasn't where he started. Sitting up ramrod straight he opened up the canopy and the Crolute took a step back, but set a pair of grubby hands on his hips.

"You can't park here!" The Crolute insisted.

"Where am I?" A simple request, but the Crolute didn't seem keen on answer and he let out an irritated huff and then raised a hand and gave a brief wave. "You're feeling generous all of a sudden... you want to do everything in your power to help me... now... where am I?"

"Jakku..."

"Jakku?" He rubbed a hand down his face with a groan and wondered how he ended up here of all places. A backwater nothing planet. A junkyard. He hadn't thought he had fallen asleep for that long, but he must have nudged the control by mistake.

That or...

Was it possible this was where the Force had meant him to end up? Perhaps that was what this was. He'd asked for help and maybe... just maybe he had gotten it. Closing his eyes he reached out in the force and searched... searched for... something... he wasn't even sure what he was reaching out to, but... there was something... something was here... that familiar something from his dreams.

He pulled himself out of the cockpit and leapt down into the sand as the Crolute wandered back to his stand in a sort of daze, but he paid it no mind. There was something more important demanding his attention.

This outpost looked... hopeless if he was honest. Everyone was struggling to get along and seemed resigned to their fate to forever live this way. He wondered why they had to suffer that way, but... this wasn't what he was here for. He was hunting for something. Something that had been calling out to him.

Whatever was calling to him was here. Right here. In this outpost. After all this time he was finally going to find the answer to the dreams that he'd been having. He followed that feeling, followed that urging of the force.

There behind the awning-roofed blockhouse that the Crolute used as his Concession Stand he found what he was looking for. Small, fragile and polishing off a Recharge coupling.

For just a moment he stood there, shifting his weight from one foot to the other as he tried to comprehend what he saw before him. He wasn't sure how to react to this really, but without a doubt this tiny thing was what he had felt calling out in such great force. Amazing really. At first he was a bit apprehensive, but now he was taken aback that he had actually found what he was looking for.

"I've been looking for you..." He informed the small girl and approached slowly, but the poor thing looked startled when he got closer and his eyes softened as he lowered himself into a crouch next to her. He couldn't quite help when his voice rose with some excitement despite it all. "I never thought I was going to find you... I thought.... in the back of my mind I wondered if I was crazy... I thought that maybe I was... imagining this whole thing."

The young girl didn't respond of course. She was looking at him very apprehensively, had stopped what she was doing and tucked the Recharge coupling against her chest, curled in on herself as if she thought he would steal it from her.

"You don't have to do that anymore. I'm going to take you away from here." He reached out a hand, but the girl reacted violently and sank her teeth into his fingers. Of course he didn't react to the pain, simply pursed his lips and stared at this feral girl. He wondered what sort of a life she must have lived to have been forced to become this way. Something inside of him churned uncomfortably and he wanted to destroy this whole outpost for turning this poor child into this. "Please, let go?"

The softness in his words and his lack of temper seemed to have the affect that he had wanted. Her gaze locked with his over his hand and her bite loosened and finally she released his fingers.

He retracted his hand slowly and then flexed his fingers, looked over the deep indentions left behind. Little thing had nearly broken skin. He was amazed that she hadn't managed actually.

"Let's start over... no biting... I'm Ben..." He held out his hand and the small girl still looked hesitant and weary of him, but she did carefully reach out to take his hand and he shook it gently.

"Rey..." She spoke to him for the first time, voice very small and nervous. So innocent. He was going to protect this.

"Rey, I'm training to be a Jedi... and I'm here because I sensed you through the force. Do you know what that means?" As he expected the girl slowly shook her head. No. She didn't understand. Of course she didn't. "It means I get to take you away from this place. Plenty of food... abundant water... no sand..."

"I can't leave." She suddenly spoke. Strongly. With more conviction than he'd ever heard in a child before. More words made her coruscanti accent clearer to him. "My parents are going to come back for me."

"Tell you what... I'll talk to the junkyard boss... when your parents come back he'll tell them where I took you and they can hop right over to the academy to get you." He dropped his arm over his knee and smirked at the way that the girl looked stunned by his argument.

She opened her mouth, snapped it shut again and repeated the motion as she tried to think up what to say, but came up empty handed and then finally nodded.

Starvation had won out.

"Okay."

"Okay." He repeated and held his hand out for her. He watched the way she hesitated, but she seemed to be reading him, checking for danger. Unintentionally using the force to judge his character and although there was still a bit of distrust she did trust in the force... and that was why she took his hand.

He helped her up, helped her leave behind that piece of scrap she had been working on all for the sake of eating that night. He vowed that she was never going to live like that again... as he made his way to the ship to help her into the cockpit he heard a voice shout out behind him.

It was the junkyard boss. He closed the canopy just in case things got dirty.

"What?" He snapped easily because he wasn't in the mood. He had what he had come here for and now he needed to get her home. Get her cleaned up and a good meal in her.

"That girl is mine. I paid well for her!" The Crolute shouted.

He lowered his head upon hearing that and glanced off to the side. So that was how it was? It was a good thing he had tucked Rey away into the cockpit. She hadn't heard. She didn't need to know... didn't need to hear. Not right now.

"Rey is no longer your concern. By Order of the Church of The Force and the New Jedi Order I'm taking her... try and stop me." He brushed aside his dark cloak to reveal the hilt of his lightsaber. If this junkyard boss dared to try to stop him he wasn't afraid to use it.

The Crolute looked uneasy, angry even, but it seemed that he was well aware that going against the Jedi Order was not good for business.

"Fine! Take her, but I expect compensation for my losses!"

"I've nothing to give a slaver. I'll sooner kill you before paying you for a human being." He dropped his hand down to his saber and then the junkyard boss threw his hands up. "Good."

He turned and climbed up into the cockpit then, watched the girl try to move out of his way, but there wasn't enough room. It was only meant for one person... and he was uncomfortably tall. He maneuvered the girl in his lap so he could make sure he could easily reach around her for the controls. There really wasn't much space in here.

"Don't touch anything." He requested as he flipped the switches to get the engine going. He wasn't sure what was going to happen when he got back, but he knew for absolute certain that Luke would be livid.

"Was Unkar really mad?"

"Is that his name?" There was no need to make a mental note of that name. It was never going to be important to him. "No. We just spoke about your parents. That's all. They know where to find you."

Of course it was... sort of the truth. Her parents had known where to find her all along, but they'd sold her. They weren't coming back. He knew what it was like. To be thrown away by one's parents. His had thrown him away too. It only solidified the want he had to take care of her. To make things right.

He reached around her, punched in the coordinates and once they had safely gotten off the planet he let the auto-pilot do it's thing. The last thing he needed was to crash a ship he hardly knew how to fly. Before it had been just him, but his life wasn't the only one he had to be weary of now.

"Where are we going?" Rey questioned him and he leaned his head back against the seat with a sigh.

"To the Jedi Academy."

"I don't have the Force."

"Yes, you do. It's just asleep inside of you. That's why I was able to find you, but... you already know that." He answered. "You came with me too easily. It wasn't starvation alone. You know it too... don't you?"

"I think I had dreams about you." She admitted.

"I dreamt of you too." He hadn't been sure what he had been dreaming about before because what he had dreamt had always been bathed in light, but... that same light was inside of Rey and he knew that she was what he had dreamt of.

There was something there. Something that was connecting them. Their dreams had led them to one another. He knew that this could only be the will of the Force, but what the reason was he was not sure. Only time could give him the answer of why they had been brought together.

The X-Wing lurched into hyperdrive and started the trip back to the Academy. Which he dreaded of course. He knew that Luke was going to be very angry with him and half wondered if he wouldn't kick him out him out, but then his mother would likely cover for him... get him back in good graces and Luke would be unable to do so.

Somewhere along the way Rey had fallen asleep, snuggled up against his chest, tiny fingers curled into his robes and his expression softened. His chest felt full and warm for the first time in his life and he felt that this was what he had been missing. It solidified the desire to protect and care for this girl. He would raise her. Take care of her. Make her a strong Jedi. He would make up for all the wrong. Make sure she lived a fully and happy life. She deserved it after all she had been through.

He suspected that the poor girl must be exhausted and now that she knew through the Force that she was safe her body decided it was time to get the rest that it needed. He was sure that she would also need to eat and drink once they returned. Get her strength up.

It was much longer until the X-Wing broke into the Academy's airspace and he took over the controls and pulled into the hanger, landing the fighter nice and easy.

Opening up the canopy he pulled himself out of the cockpit with Rey in his arms and he was met by an entire group running up to him. Luke of course, but also his mother and Lando... and worst of all... Han Solo.

"Ben Solo where have you been?! We were worried sick about you!" His mother was the first one to speak of course and his mouth twisted up into a grimace. He watched the way his mother's eyes shifted to Rey. "What's going on?"

There he felt that in the Force... that concern from the group in front of them... sensed their fears of him. They thought he was a monster.

"This is Rey. The Force led me to her. Uncle Luke... you feel it don't you?" He looked to Luke in hopes that he might validate him.

"Well..." Luke stroked his beard as he looked between the two of them and reached out within the Force to search for the girl's presence. "yes... yes there is something... and you say the Force led you to find her?"

He nodded, extremely glad that his uncle had confirmed it. That those horrible thoughts crossing Han Solo's mind could be disproved.

All the voices seemed to have woken Rey and she was quite confused for the time being, hiding against him nervously and he wanted nothing more than to hold her closer and protect her from the world.

"She was left on Jakku..." He informed and Leia let out a little disappointed sigh, because she knew from her son's tone exactly what he meant by that.

"I'll take her, Ben... get her cleaned up." His mother stepped forward and he hesitated a moment, but he knew his mother was right. He couldn't quite do that for her.

"Rey... this is my mother... she's going to clean you up? Okay?"

"Okay." The small girl was nervous of course, but Leia had that natural calm to her and it seemed to sooth the poor child as she was exchanged between the two of them.

He was a little torn watching his mother take Rey from him because he still had his own feelings of abandonment and distrust towards her. He didn't like that someone who had hurt him -inadvertently as it may be- taking Rey.

"You flew like a pro, kid." Lando's voice cut through his thoughts and he felt a hand squeeze his shoulder and fought the slightest smile at the approval. Lando was perhaps the only person in this world that approved of him. Not his mother. Not Luke Skywalker. Certainly not Han Solo. "Don't tell your mother I said that."

Speaking of Han Solo. The man hadn't said a word. Simply stood in the background with his arms crossed. Watching him. Analyzing. There in the force he felt a mixture of things. A little disappointment. Some shame... but most of all the desire to take flight and leave.

"We need to have a talk." Luke informed him and he felt a certain sense of dread upon hearing those words, but he followed them as they left the hanger and went right into Luke's office. "Have a seat, Ben."

He sat down uneasily and folded his hands between his knees. His awkward height and long limbs didn't quite sit right in these short seats. He took a deep breath and looked up at the adults in his life all gathered around as if he was some insect to study under a microscope.

Sometimes he could feel other people's emotions in the Force. Twisting and swirling around him. It was overwhelming. Suffocating. Especially when he could sense the hate people had for him. When he could sense how they thought he was a monster. That he was full of darkness. That there was nothing good in him. Sometimes Luke looked at him that way. His mother and Han Solo also.

They looked at him and did not see him as he was. They looked at him... and saw Vader. They thought he didn't know, but ohh he did. He heard all their conversations about him that they thought that he hadn't. 

He took in a shaky breath and tried to keep control of the turmoil that he felt inside of himself. If he lost control he would break something by mistake and then _that_ look would appear on their faces. He dreaded seeing that look.

"Ben." Luke's voice drew him from that dark void and he lifted his gaze to him immediately, startled. "What you did was reckless. You took my fighter without any knowledge of how to fly it, but... you found someone in need. Mind you it doesn't mean I can overlook what you did."

"Because you wouldn't believe me! I tried to tell you before, but you never listened." He was frustrated with his uncle.

"Hey, don't raise your voice to your uncle like that." Han stepped in now and that was what really set him off. Incited that burning rage inside of him and he stood up from his seat so quickly the chair fell backwards.

"You left! You're not my father. You don't get to tell me what to do anymore!" He snapped and Han looked a bit startled by the outburst, mouth working as he tried to come up with something to defend himself. "Lando has been more of a father to me than you'll ever be. At least he treats my mother the right way."

"Ben." Lando set a hand on his shoulder and then picked up the chair for him to force him to sit back down. "Han is your father..."

"No. He's not."

"Han... Lando... would you please step out for a moment? I don't want anymore distractions while I speak with Ben." Luke cut in to try to do a little damage control. Though both the men were at odds with one another they both silently agreed and left the room. The atmosphere was a little less rocky without the tension between the two of them. "Can we continue?"

"What's the point? Just tell me what my punishment is and let me go already... I need to prepare things for Rey... I have to ready her room and then prepare to train her-" He went silent when he saw Luke raise a hand to silence him. "What?"

"You won't be training the girl. I will take over her training."

"Why?!" He didn't understand why he was being denied training her. "Because you don't trust me? Because I'm too dark? The Force led me to her. It wants me to become her teacher."

"No, Ben. Because you're still young and a padawan. You have much to learn before you can teach anyone." Luke was cautious of his temper of course. He knew he wouldn't be pleased with what he had to say.

"... can I... at least... prepare her room?"

"Of course." This Luke could agree to. "This girl... is she the source of your nightmares?"

"No. Not the source." Ben wasn't sure how to explain this to his uncle. Something caused his nightmares, but these were something else. "I just knew that she was alone and needed my help... I don't know why the Force picked me and not you."

"The Force works in mysterious ways."

"Uncle Luke... I felt her when she was born... I knew the moment... she came into this world... I knew I had to go and get her from that moment."

"Hmm." Luke furrowed his brow and thought on this. He had never heard of anything like this before, but he knew he would have to speak with Lor San Tekka. He may know something important. "I think we're finished here for now. I'll look into the matter further. As for now... you're on clean up duty for the next five weeks..."

"Five?"

"Considering you could have died, yes. Five. For now you can go. I expect you won't be stealing my fighter again anytime soon?" Luke's mouth turned up on one side as he stood up and held a hand for him to leave.  
  


* * *

 

It was approximately ten minutes later that Ben had caused another stir among the group and Han stood there in the doorway, staring at his son in utter confusion as he watched him moving back and forth in the room.

"The hell is he doing?" Han was the first to ask the question.

"He appears to be nesting." Luke teased. Han however didn't find it quite so amusing. Maybe even found it a bit irritating.

"At least we know he'll make a good father." Lando tried to look at the positives to the strange occurrence that he was witnessing.

"Something's wrong with that kid." Han said with a little grunt and then dropped his hands down. "Since everything is squared away... we need to get going."

"You're leaving so soon?" Luke frowned then.

"What's the problem? Kid is back safe and sound." Han was eager to go, eager to run again. It was also because Lando was here and that tension was back when they were together. "If he runs away again... call me then."

Lando didn't say a word. He knew that Han was angry with him and with Leia, but it couldn't be helped. Han had left the two alone and Lando stepped in to help a woman in need. Things had just... turned out the way that they had. He never meant to steal Leia from his former friend. It just turned out that way. They had fallen in love.

They watched Han walk away, leave without another word, both knowing they could do nothing to change his mind. It was perhaps better this way. He and Ben only fought when they were together.

Moments later Leia came down the hall with a clean Rey dressed in brand new padawan robes, fed properly for the first time in a long time and Luke gave a smile as he saw them.

"Look at my newest padawan... all prepared to start her path to becoming a Jedi." He tried to be as kind and friendly as possible, but their little Rey appeared to be very shy. Of course on a place like Jakku Luke expected it would be hard for her to trust others. "Ben has been getting your room ready. Go have a look."

Leia raised a brow as she let go of Rey's hand and let her head inside. Once she was out of ear shot Leia spoke up.

"Ben did?"

"He's nesting it seems." Lando told her, smoothing his mustache down.

"Nesting? Ben?" Leia peeked into the room and was surprised to see that her son was indeed readying the room for the girl. The bed was a bit overloaded with pillows... he seemed to have gone a bit overboard as he did with everything else. "So he has."

"There's something about this... I can't quite place my finger on it, but... this was no coincidence. The Force has something to do with this... whatever is happening with him... whatever has been happening... the nightmares are somehow connected." Luke nodded for them to continue down the hall just in case Ben was being sneaky and listening in. His officer was once again the better place to discuss.  
  


* * *

Rey was stunned. She could hardly believe that she got an entire room all to herself. It was bigger than she had expected it would be. Back on Jakku she had only had the shelter of the awning over Plutt's concession.

"This whole room is really mine?" It was still hard to wrap her mind around. "With blankets and pillows and everything?"

"Mmhm." He patted the spot on the bed next to him and she rushed over to the spot and jumped onto the bed. It would be the first time in her life she had ever felt something so soft.

"I can't wait to show my parents when they come here." Rey spoke eagerly, but as she looked up she noticed the way that Ben's face had fallen. She wondered why he suddenly looked so sad.

"I have something for you..." He reached behind him to pull out a worn Tooka doll and held it out for her. Again she was amazed that she was being offered even more. "It used to be mine when I was little."

"But... don't you need it? Won't you get scared without it?"

"No." He assured her.

"I promise I'll take really good care of him." Rey reached out hesitantly, because she was unsure of taking something that clearly meant so much to him. Though she noticed something odd in that moment. There were marks under his wrist where his sleeve had slid back. Thin lines lighter than the rest of his skin. Rey reached forward to trace over one. "What are those?"

The moment he realized she had noticed the marks he jerked away from her and tugged his sleeve down as far as it would go. Not something a child needed to concern herself with.

"They're nothing. Don't worry about it." He stood up then and made his way to the door. It was almost curfew anyway and he had to be awake early in the morning to get his punishment over with.

"Did you get hurt? I skinned my knee once... it left a mark kind of like those ones." Rey went on, clearly having not the faintest clue.

"I said don't worry about it." His tone was irritable and he knew it was so he took a breath and forced himself to calm down. She had no idea. She didn't deserve his temper. "I'll be right down the hall if you need anything... and so will Master Luke. Is there anything else I can do for you before I go? A glass of water before bed?"

"No."

"Alright. Goodnight, Rey."

"Goodnight, Ben."


	3. Chapter 3

For the first time in Rey's life she was clean, well fed with plenty of water to drink and she had been allowed to sleep in. No Unkar Plutt kicking her awake and telling her that there was work to be done or that there was a small compartment that he couldn't fit into that she needed to crawl inside.

Life had really improved for her and she had the Force to thank for that. She had Ben to thank for that, but... their relationship had changed. When Luke had acquired new students they were terrified of Ben. She knew he could seem scary sometimes, but he had been the one to save her. How could she ever fear him? Except... he had started to keep his distance from her. Ben had told her it was because he prevented her from making friends. That they couldn't spend as much time together. She hardly saw him now. All he did these days was busy himself with his studies.

To make matters even worse Luke had refused Ben his rank as knight. It made it harder on him. The other students had plenty to say about him behind his back because of that. Though she and Ben weren't close anymore she did hate to hear people talk about him like that. They didn't know him. They didn't know anything about him. They had no right, but then people seemed to fear the things that they didn't understand.

The little alarm went off beside the bed to signal that it was time to get up and go to today's classes and stop thinking so much.

Of course she didn't want to get up just yet. For some reason she felt exceptionally tired today and in her thirteen years of life she couldn't seem to recall ever having been quite so tired, but she knew she had to get up and get to her classes.

Her stomach was achy. She wondered if perhaps she was getting sick. Oh, joy. Quite possibly her favorite life experience. Being ill. Puking her guts up. Sighing she really hoped that she wasn't coming down with the flu. It was the worst possible time. She had so much studying to do for an upcoming test.

Rey shoved her blankets off only to shift a little and to notice that her blankets felt uncomfortably wet and sticky. She had no idea what to think. Looked down and saw the large dark red stains on both her blankets and her sheets. Blood she realized with a sense of panic.

Everything that happened next seemed to happen in a blur. One minute she was rushing down a hall and the next she was surrounded by a few caretaker droids urging her towards the infirmary all insisting that everything was fine. That she didn't need to panic, but here she was practically bleeding to death and the med droids didn't seem to understand her panic at all.

It took perhaps half an hour for them to calm her down enough that they were able to explain that she wasn't dying and that this was happening because she was becoming a young woman now. In great detail. While playing an entire video for her. Quite possibly one of the most embarrassing moments that she had ever been forced to endure.

If she thought it couldn't possibly get any more embarrassing then she was wrong because Luke strode in through the door and for a moment she thought that he had come to see her. That he had heard about this embarrassing situation she found herself in, but then she noticed the gurney they rolled in with Ben on it. She wondered if he had gotten into yet another fight.

"Rey?" Luke raised a brow when he saw her in here. Clearly the last person that he expected to see in the infirmary. "What happened?"

A droid answered for her, letting out a series of beeps and Luke's face changed to one of understanding, but then there was something else on his face... a sudden epiphany of sorts and the droids that were about to get to work on his nephew he held up a hand to stop.

"Ben... your pain stopped moments ago... correct?" Luke questioned and watched the faint nod, but also the confusion cross his face and Luke gained more understanding when the droid let out a few more beeps. "I see. Ben... I have some good news for you... your appendix hasn't burst. But... it seems your connection to Rey is stronger than I initially thought. At the exact time her pain medication was administered yours stopped... on the dot. I've never seen anything quite like it."

Luke gestured to the time both the medical droids recorded. It was very clear that what Luke had to say was true. Uncomfortable as it may be and awkward as that may be for everyone. Ben quickly glanced over at her with a look that she could only define as sheer horror and she knew that her face must be a flaming red by now. Not only did both of them know her personal business... but Ben of all people had to personally feel it? Every aching second of it? She wished she could crawl into a hole and die. She'd never been so embarrassed in her entire life.

"Are you trying to tell me that organs I don't even have are hurting?!" Ben snapped. Of course he did. In the past few years his temper had only gotten worse. It drove everyone even further from him.

"I am." Luke responded coolly, but Ben sat up abruptly, ripped all the wires connected to him off, jumped off the gurney and stormed out of the infirmary. It left Luke sighing in exasperation. He clearly didn't know what to do with his nephew anymore.

Rey on the other hand wondered what happened to Ben. She remembered like it was yesterday... him playing with Finn. Using his superior height to keep things out of Finn's reach. Finn's hysterical laughter as he would try to jump up and reach. So convinced that he would get it and Ben would always give in. They used to be as close as brothers could be and then... Ben just changed.

"We don't... talk anymore..." Rey sighed softly.

"It isn't your fault, Rey." Luke tired to make her feel better about the situation, but it really wasn't helping. 

"Maybe I shouldn't have let him push me away... he's so much angrier now. Ben told me that I need friends, but maybe he needs a friend more than anyone."

"I wholeheartedly agree with and support his decision. It was a very mature decision." Luke seemed to know that she was going to argue before she said anything and he held up a finger. "Rey... you need to leave Ben alone. Stay away from him. It's better for the both of you to not exacerbate this bond any further. You see for yourself the damage it could potentially cause to open it up any deeper. Now rest up... you need as much of it as you can get. You can have the day off."

Rey let out a frustrated sigh as she watched Luke do what all Skywalker men seemed to do so very well when things got difficult. Ran away from his problems and ran away from her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very short chapter, but an update none-the-less. Unworthy as it may be.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ancient texts!

This was what she had been waiting for. Tonight at midnight she was finally going to be eighteen and it meant that she was finally going to be able to take her test to become a Jedi Knight. Advance from the rank of padawan.

Needless to say it meant a lot of studying and she was staying up late tonight to get her hands on the books that she needed. She gathered several of them when she came across some very ancient looking texts. The oldest looking books she had ever seen. They looked untouched. Like not many people had read them and so curiosity got the better of her. She pulled these old books from the shelf as well, but was mindful of how fragile they were as she carried them over to the desk.

Rey had high hopes that these old Jedi texts might hold some knowledge within them that was going to give her the edge when it came to passing her tests. These old texts were what she placed in front of her first. The book was so old that she had to very gently pull back the hard cover and then turn the page slowly so they didn't rip.

The first page was... ancient and very hard to understand. An older style of speaking that made it all very hard to comprehend. She would have to get used to the style of speaking before she could even begin to understand it.

Though Rey hadn't had the chance to really get into it as the door opened and she found herself looking up to see who else could have come in. She was a little frustrated, because she had come here this late for peace and quiet. The annoyance didn't last and shifted to that of worry when she saw who it was.

Ben Solo. That was the very last person she wanted to see her here. He had become Luke's watchdog over the years. He was ruthless when it came down to those who broke the rules because of his own short comings. As if he could make up for it.

He stopped mid-step when he saw her and she thought for certain that he was going to yell at her for being in here so late, but he didn't. Instead he kept walking and made his way along the bookshelves, raised a hand and slowly trailed his fingers over the covers, searching for a specific title.

It was the moment when his fingers stopped near the spot where the book that she had taken was and she thought a moment her heart was going to stop because she had been witness to Ben losing his temper with those that got in his way or broke the rules and she did not want to be on the receiving end of it.

Just when she thought he was going to yell at her he instead snatched up another book entirely and moved to sit at the table next to the one she was at. He must be making a point in not sitting near her. He didn't need to try. He'd made it years ago.

Rey let out a little sigh and flipped through the next page, but she found she had a hard time even focusing now with him here. So flipped the next page. Just skimmed over it. Just as she flipped to the next page... a piece of paper came out right in her hand.

For one solid second Rey completely froze and then her other hand slapped over her mouth in horror. She had done it. She had really done it now. She had just desecrated the ancient texts. Right in front of Luke's watchdog. She was doomed. She was done for. He was going to take this and run with it to Luke.

She dared to risk a glance at Ben and noticed the equally horrified look on his face. Although he looked as if he was more upset than she was over it. She quickly looked back to the paper and was about to see if she could somehow fix this when she realized something... this paper... wasn't the same as the rest of the book.

The consistency... the texture... the writing... all different. She turned the paper over in her hand and then set it down to carefully look over it. It had to be some of the most beautiful hand writing that she had ever seen. Although... she hadn't seen a lot of it if she was completely honest.

  
**_Passion lies in all of us._ **  
**_Sleeping,_ **  
**_waiting,_ **  
**_and though unwanted, unbidden,_ **  
**_it will stir, open its jaws, and howl._ **  
**_Passion rules us all._ **  
**_Passion is the source of our finest moments;_ **  
**_the joy of love,_ **  
**_the clarity of hatred,_ **  
**_and the ecstasy of grief._ **  
**_It hurts sometimes more than we can bear._ **  
**_If we could live without passion,_ **  
**_maybe we would truly know some kind of peace._ **  
**_But we would be hollow._ **  
**_Empty rooms,_ **  
**_shuttered and dank without passion_ **  


  
It was poetry. Someone had written poetry and hidden it away in these old books that nobody ever read. It must not be meant for anyone's eyes. She heard Ben shifting incessantly before he stood up and made his way over to her. She felt his eyes burning hotly over the page and she quickly placed it into the book and closed it for fear he would rip it apart or give it to Luke.

"What are you doing? Give it here. Those words are treason." He insisted.

"No." She leaned forward over the book protectively, felt him lean over her back to try to get it from her.

"Give it!"

"I won't!" Rey continue to keep it safe under her. "It's not yours!"

"It isn't yours!" He snapped.

"I'm not going to let you destroy something so beautiful." When those words escaped her mouth she felt him freeze and go still. In that moment she noticed his heart hammering against her back. He was... afraid? It gave her the chance to shove him back and he went without a fight.

"You think they're beautiful?" He questioned quietly and in that moment she noticed the way his eyes softened.

"Yes." She said it firmly and with such conviction he blinked in surprise. As if it had truly startled him. Shaken him down to the core. She watched as he took a step back from her.

"You can't tell anyone that. The words on that paper are blasphemes against the Jedi code... you wouldn't be allowed to become a Knight." With each warning word he took another step further and further away before he was at the door and then he turned on his heel and left the library.

Rey could only sit in stunned silence. He had warned her not to tell anyone. That meant Ben wasn't going to turn her in. He wasn't going to turn her in to Luke because he wasn't going to jeopardize her chances at becoming a knight, but at the same time there had been something else in his tone. Something she couldn't quite place.

From then on she didn't get much studying done. She couldn't focus on that anymore. All she could think about was the strange poem hidden away within the Jedi texts and wonder who had written it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Who can recognize what that poem is from without cheating?


	5. Chapter 5

"So you mean to say you destroyed ancient texts?" Finn was shocked when he listened to Rey's story. A lot of it was hard to believe really. Someone was writing very dangerous things and placing them into the texts.

"No, dummy." Rose bumped her shoulder into Finn's as she teased him. "She said she thought she did. Turned out it was something a lot more mysterious."

"So... someone's dabbling in some Sith teachings?" He asked while scoping up a generous spoon full of potatoes. "Who?"

"I don't know." Rey answered quietly as she watched said spoon go right to Rose. She smiled and rolled her eyes. The two were adorable together, but sickeningly so sometimes. It was a secrete of course. If Luke or Ben knew about the two of them... she hated to think of what would happen.

"So we make a list of likely candidates..." Finn suggested.

"Oohhh. Like we're detectives." Rose looked around the room eagerly for who she thought might be dabbling in the dark side. "Dannen Stadlober."

"That guy? Nah... I mean... he's creepy sure, but... seems a little dimwitted for being a nefarious Sith." Finn pushed some food around on his tray and then he took a brief look around himself. "How... about... Jalek DeMarakesh?"

"No way. Edaara Veila?" Rose threw out another name.

As they spoke Rey gathered up her own spoonful of food, but her eyes wandered around the room as Rose and Finn tried to guess who would have written such a thing... and that was when she noticed Ben moving towards the back corner to eat alone as always. She wondered why he hadn't reported that paper... she knew he hadn't because Luke hadn't come to confiscate it from her.

Last night she saw something in him that she hadn't seen in a long time. For a moment she had glimpsed that softness she knew was in his heart. The softness of the boy that had saved her from the ruthless Jakku. She had almost thought that softness was all gone, but it was still there. It always had been it seemed.

"Ben Solo." Rey said softly and both Finn and Rose looked at Rey before bursting into laughter that drew the attention of the students at the nearby table.

"Yeah, right, Rey. Luke's watchdog is harboring blasphemous poems." Finn had laughed so hard he had to wipe a tear from his eye.

"Probably because he doesn't want you to get in trouble, Rey." Rose spoke up.

"Why would that matter?" Rey didn't understand what Rose was getting at really. He reported everyone. He'd even reported Finn before. His own brother. She doubted she would matter to him.

"Oh, please... Rey he has a soft spot for you." Rose lowered her voice and Finn seemed to stiffen up a little. Like there was something he knew, but wasn't going to say.

Rey was about to ask until...

_**CRASH!** _

The entire lunchroom went silent and Rey looked over to see the source was none other than the subject of their conversation. One of the older knights had stuck his foot out and tripped Ben, landing him face first into his tray. The table of knights burst into laughter followed by the rest of the room.

The other students held no love for Ben because he upheld the law at the academy and the table of knights thought that they were better because they had been promoted whereas Ben hadn't.

Rey felt some pity as she watched Ben slowly sit up and wipe potato from his face and try to salvage what he could of his lunch.

"Looking very Vader-esque today, Solo." One of the knights said and then jerked his thumb towards a table of padwans. "You know there are some younglings over there. Comeon, school slasher go ahead and try something. Make our day."

"That's enough!" Finn stood up from the table to defend his brother, knowing he had to intervene before things got too out of hand. He knew Ben's temper and had been witness to many fights.

Finn would have defended him further, but during the entire thing Ben had managed to gather what he could on his tray left the lunchroom altogether. The knights went back to doing their own thing then.

"We should report them to Luke." Rose said quietly.

"We can't... they'll think Ben did it. It will only cause him more trouble with those guys... they'll be gone soon anyway." Finn responded, knowing that they would be sent on assignment.

After several moments Rey felt that she couldn't stand it anymore and she snatched up one of the small packets on her tray and then left the lunchroom as well. This was not something that could be overlooked. Especially after last night.

There were several students watching her as she left, but nobody said anything and she was able to go without incident. They likely thought that she was done eating and was simply going to study more for her upcoming test, but... that simply wasn't the case. What was important to her was finding out if Ben was alright or not.

Finding him... that was another story altogether. He tended to keep his presence masked from the others. When he wasn't in a blind rage that was, but she didn't feel anything at all from him. It meant he was hiding himself deliberately. That meant it would be very hard to track him down. She was known for her tenacity however and she didn't intend to give up until she had found him.

It took time. It was painstaking, but eventually she did manage to find where he'd gone off to. The place he'd chosen to settle down was the bank under the bridge where the water didn't quite reach. It was clever if she was completely honest.

"Ben?" It was clear that her voice startled him. He hadn't been expecting her. There was a price to be paid for cutting one's self off from the force. "I was looking for you."

She maneuvered herself to sit down next to him, without falling into the water of course and he shifted uncomfortably as she did so because he wasn't expecting anyone else and he had wanted to be left alone. Why else would he have come here?

"Why?" He glanced away from her. Decided to find anything else to look at, but her. Until he felt something shoved into his hand and looked at the small packet that he'd been given and frowned at the little wrapped cake. "What's this?"

"You lost your lunch. I thought you might need it more than me." She told him. He didn't seem surprised by her kindness. Because he knew that she understood what it was like t go without food better than anyone. "What are you doing tonight?"

"Studying." His gaze shifted from the snack to her and then away again. The answer to it should've been fairly obvious. He spent his time sleeping or training. Learning.

"Finn and Rose are throwing me a party for my birthday with a few friends. Do you want to come?" Rey led into it casually. Again he was silent for a time. He didn't seem to be in the mood for conversation and she understood the need to be alone sometimes. So she stood and dusted herself off as she did so. "I have to go get ready, but you're free to come. If you'd like."

Leaving the invitation open Rey left to let him have his time alone.


	6. Chapter 6

"Happy birthday, Rey!" The entire group shouted out once she had walked through the door to the lounge. A surprise if there ever was one. It seemed that Finn and Rose had brought a few of their friends along to this celebration because it was much bigger than she had been expecting it to be. She'd thought it might only be her and her two best friends, but no. A lot of other students had come to give her their best wishes as well.

They had gone out of their way to get her one of the most amazing cakes that she had ever seen in her life. They had brought her some interesting gifts as well. Nice little things to decorate her room with that they had acquired during some of their journeys. It was all good and fine, but... she did notice Ben wasn't there.

She guessed she really shouldn't have expected him to show up to something like this. After all he was the law keeper around here. It was below him to attend a party, but she didn't have much time to linger on those thoughts.

"I brought us something." One of student her age by the name of Jalek DeMarakesh pulled a bottle from his bag. It wasn't hard to figure out what it was he felt the need to sneak in with. A few students seemed scandalized to see the bottle, but most looked thrilled at the idea of the forbidden. "The birthday girl gets the first drink. What do you say, Rey?"

At first she was hesitant. It was against the rules, but it was her birthday. She was eighteen. She was an adult by most standards and she had always obeyed the rules all her life so she felt that she could make her own decision and do something a little wild for once.

So she took the offered first drink.

Things... got a little wild from there on out. Nobody had turned down the drink and the student in question had brought several bottles along. Surely all the great Jedi masters were rolling in their graves while they watched the foolish padawans getting carried away at a party. Most of them didn't seem to know when to stop when it came to the drinking.

"I have... an idea." Jalek slurred as he pulled out a practice saber. "We're going to play a game I learned back home..."

"What? Sabacc?" Finn questioned, swaying a little on his feet as he stood. It was clear that he had a little too much.

"No. Not Sabacc." Shoving aside one of the tables Jalek dropped to sit in the middle of the floor and placed the lightsaber right in front of him. He waved his hands to invite everyone in and with a reluctant sigh they gave in. "Here's how it works... we take turns... spinning this... and whoever it lands on... you have to kiss. No exceptions."

"That sounds dangerous." Finn grumbled from where he was sitting with Rose. "What if it turns on?"

"I took the crystal out. It's not going to. It's all good. Good, good, good." Jalek spoke quickly and then pointed to Rey. "Birthday girl goes first?"

"What? No... it's your game." Rey quickly corrected because she was absolutely not going first and since it was her brithday she ought to have say. She watched Jalek huff and toss his hands up before he went ahead and did a spin of his own. Of course it landed on one of the prettier girls in the academy.

"Cheater! You used the force!" Said girl complained. "Spin again and don't cheat this time."

"Ugh! Fine."

The game went on like this for awhile. A few moments of intervention with the force and re-spins because it was clearly cheating and then it came to Rose's turn and all eyes were looking at her expectantly.

Rose leaned forward and gave it a good spine. Of course she looked at Finn expectantly, but unfortunately it didn't land on Finn. It ended up landing on Rey and a few of the boys suddenly became very interested. Even the ones not playing.

Of course Rose rolled her eyes and leaned over to give her friend a simple kiss on the cheek to which the boys all let out disappointed groans.

"Cheating. New rule. It has to be on the mouth. Go again." Jalek spoke up.

This time Rose let out a huff and when she spun again clearly cheated and let it land on Finn... who she was more than happy to really kiss. Of course it threw the whole game off and everyone was grumbling and complaining.

Mixed with the drinking the two of them got a little carried away and both got up and disappeared somewhere. It left open spaces in the circle and threw off the whole game, but the others weren't about to give up for the lost players. A few of them had a specific goal in mind. Someone they were interested in... and this was their only chance.

As Rose had been sitting next to Rey it was now her turn. She was hesitant of course about this whole thing. Maybe they shouldn't be doing this, but then... they had all been drinking and why not because they would only live once.

So Rey gave it a spin and watched, waited to see who it would land on, but... the lightsaber turned and turned longer than anyone else and a few boys asked how hard she turned the thing before it finally stopped and faced the one empty spot in the circle. Faced right at the door.

"Go again."

Just as she reached to turn it again the door opened up an everyone looked up in fear that it was Luke, but it wasn't Luke. It was much worse. It was Ben Solo of all people. It took a moment for him to figure out what they were doing, but he figured it out and his face turned to outrage.

"What exactly do you think you're doing?" Ben's tone was cold, harsh. Everyone shrank back at it. Though they might not like him... might hate him... they were still terrified of him and what he could do. "You all know better! I'm reporting this to Master Skywalker."

"Ugh. Who invited the watchdog?" One student grumbled in distaste.

"I did." Rey admitted quietly, because she wasn't going to let him take the fall for showing up to ruin everyone's fun again.

"In that case... your turn, Solo." Jalek was the instigator again.

She watched as Ben froze like a deer in the headlights when he realized what that meant and his gaze flicked from her to the others and back again. During her years here with him Rey had seen a lot of sides to Ben, but this was one she'd never seen in him before. It was funny to see such a large man shrink in on himself the way that he had in that moment.

"His turn?" Someone scoffed from the other side of the room. "The only way Solo is ever going to get laid is if he crawls up a porg's ass and waits."

"No." Rey said suddenly, because she knew she had to do something. She couldn't just let them push him around. And... maybe it was a little something to do with the drinking, but she suddenly felt bold enough to stand and approach him. "He is right. It is Ben's turn..."

"Rey..." One might think that Ben's tone would have come out as a warning. A threatening sound, but instead it was quiet and pleading. Not something that she had ever heard from him before. Ben Solo looked terrified to break the rules. "Don't..."

"Consider it a birthday gift then?" She calmed him like she might calm a fearful animal and reached up to gently brush her fingers along his jawline, back around to entangle in his hair and the other she used to grab the edge of his robe to pull him down.

Her mouth grazed his just slightly and she felt his breath on her mouth as he let out a shaky exhale. She wasn't all to sure how a kiss worked, but she was trying to figure it out and he seemed so patient for once as he let her.

Without the alcohol in her system she never would have had the courage to approach him like this. The silence of the room just made it all seem like some sort of strange dream, but in reality nobody said anything because everyone was in shock that this was the great watchdog cowering in front of a girl.

For just a moment she thought she felt the graze of his fingers near her cheek... thought that he gave in and returned her kiss, but it was over too quickly and the next thing she knew he was pulling back in a panic and rushing out the door. 


	7. Chapter 7

  
"You shouldn't have done that to him." Finn said softly as they sat on the outside of the ring and watched the sparing match between two knights.

"Why?" Rey couldn't get why Finn was so upset with her for what she had done the other night. She had only done it to help Ben. It did damage to the other students arguments against Ben being this big, scary monster that nobody could ever love.

"Why? Force. You're so oblivious sometimes, Rey." He sounded even more exasperated with her and she just couldn't understand why.

Just as Rey was about to open her mouth and ask what it was exactly that she had done that warranted this treatment Finn was being called up for his turn and she didn't get her chance to prod into the matter and figure out what had upset him so much. She couldn't quite comprehend it.

She surveyed across the mat and noted the only other person that sat away from everyone else. Ben Solo. Alone as always. But she noted he must've been watching her the entire time and he only looked away as if he hadn't when she had noticed.

"He's obsessed with you." A voice suddenly came from her left and she jumped in surprise because she had been so caught up in Ben that she hadn't noticed Rose took a spot next to her. "Look at him over there. Manipulative... scheming..."

"Rose... Ben couldn't manipulate a porg." Rey absolutely refused to believe Ben could ever be manipulative. If there was a word that couldn't be further from his name it was that one in particular.

"Well he's been staring at you since he got here." Rose stated. "Finn said he's been weird ever since you kissed him."

"Ben is always weird."

"No. This is different."

As Rose said that Rey turned her gaze back to Ben again only to realize he had been staring again and looked away almost as soon as she looked back towards him. Maybe he was acting a little strange.

Several matches passed without her realizing it and before she knew it Luke was calling her up for her turn. She hurriedly jumped up to get her turn to get up and test her skills. She picked up the practice saber nearest to her and inspected it.

"Ben..." Luke's voice called out and she froze hearing it. Was Luke really going to put her up against Ben? He normally didn't. He tended to keep Ben separated from the other students and Finn was his usual partner. "Since you can't seem to pay attention let's get your had in the game."

She glanced back at him and noted that he was hesitating. It wasn't the Ben that she was familiar with. He normally was confident when he fought. Thought he could take on the whole world and maybe he could, but... she was starting to think that Finn and Rose were right. She made a mistake kissing him that night. He'd been weird ever since. Her attempt at helping him had backfired.

Glancing at her practice saber she ignited it. Heard him ignite his with a signature spin and she attacked first because Rey had always been aggressive in fights, but he blocked and dodge.

Finally struck back and it took effort to deflect him. It was like he was just trying to hit as hard as he could to make her lose her grip on her saber. Fling it from her hands. It wouldn't surprise her if that was how he planned to win. He didn't seem to want to actually hit her with it even if it would be just a small zap. A bruise or two.

His strikes were hard, knocking her back with the force of them and she had to back off, block a few of them and try to get out of reach, but soon Rey realized that he was backing her towards the edge of the mat and she stopped immediately. If he shoved her out of the ring then that meant she lost and she wasn't about to lose. Ben might win out against everyone else here, but she wasn't going to let him beat her. His winning streak was about to come to an end.

Rey quickly raised her saber to block his strike, but they ended up locked up and he was pushing her backwards... he was trying to knock her out of the ring, but she struggle to brace herself against his strength and managed to catch herself last minute.

For just a moment she was sure that he was going to shove her, but he seemed to second think it. Look down at her and frown. Was he worried that she would get hurt if he pushed her out of the ring?

Whatever the case she used it to her advantage and ducked under him when he least expected it and he was the one that nearly fell out of the ring. He recovered quickly and they were back at it.

But he was off and she did manage to catch his leg with a swipe. It hit hard enough that the shock had knocked him down and he landed hard on one knee, but he caught himself, lashed out at her with his saber to keep her back and from claiming her victory.

That last threw him off balance as he got up and she was able to get in a jab at his shoulder and it sent him backwards this time. She used that momentum and kicked him hard in the stomach to push him back and it sent him down to the mats.

"Well done. The first round goes to Rey." Luke claimed.

As Luke stepped away Ben launched himself up off the ground and swung, but so did she and they ended up locked in another standstill. He'd caught her wrist, but she'd caught his. She felt more than heard the sudden, sharp exhale. It sounded like she'd hurt him, but she didn't think she'd mistakenly hit him too hard.

She struggled, squeezed tighter and tried to step around him, but he made that same sound and caught on and hurriedly followed her steps until they ended up in a very awkward situation with one another. They were deadlocked. Neither one was budging.

He tried to shift around her and she knew that if he managed to get behind her she was done for so she turned and shoved her shoulder into his chest to keep him at bay. Neither one wanted to give up yet and Luke was pacing the outside of the ring and waiting to see how this played out.

Rey tried to figure a way out of this when she suddenly felt that there was something wet and sticky dripping down her wrist. Her gaze shifted up to where she had his wrist and she realized that he was hurt. He was bleeding.

Knowing that he wouldn't give up even if he was injured she had to find another way out of this and when she shifted against him and tried shove her shoulder into his chest to knock him off balance it just ended up bringing them closer. He wasn't off balance at all.

That was when she noted something hard pressed into her hip and she shot a sharp glare at him. Did he really bring another lightsaber into this battle with him? Was he that desperate to win? Maybe he really did dabble in the dark side if he was willing to hit that low.

In that moment he made another push and her hand slipped off his wrist due to the blood, but she used that moment to step around him and he was falling forward and her elbow struck him in the face. A mistake of course, but he hit the mats hard and then he didn't move at all because he knew that Rey had won against him.

"Excellent, Rey. Excellent!" Luke praised her and then gestured to her for all the students to see. "I want you to learn from the example that Rey has set before you. Size doesn't matter in a fight."

Rey tuned out the rest of Luke's speech on the details of their fight and focused on Ben... on the way that he carefully sat up and her gaze landed on his face. His nose was bleeding and oddly crooked. She realized that she had mistakenly broken it.

"Ben..." She held out a hand to help him up and he hesitated, but he did take it. Once he was up she watched him bring his hands up to fix the break himself, heard the sickening crack as it went back into place. "You should let me help you... even if you are a dirty cheater for bringing an extra lightsaber."

"What?" He stared at her in complete confusion. His confusion was so sincere that it left her confused as well.

She gestured briefly with her hand and his gaze immediately shot down and she was sure that she had never seen a more horrified look on Ben's face in her entire life and then he was bringing his hands down in front of himself and quickly looking around to see if anyone else had noticed.

Something clicked when she saw how red his face had turned. Rey realized in that moment that he honestly hadn't brought another lightsaber. He wasn't cheating... then that... meant... biology.

Rey also found herself looking at the other students, but they hadn't noticed. Were watching Luke and she knew that Ben would never, ever be allowed to live this down so she quickly grabbed him by the arm and led him away under the pretense of taking him to the infirmary. His nose had been broken after all.

The only place other students really didn't go happened to be the library. It was quiet enough in here that she was able to let him go, but Ben kept his distance from her and he wouldn't even look at her. She couldn't quite imagine how he must feel.

In that moment Rey looked at him. Really took the time to look at him. To take in his face and she realized how utterly exhausted he was. It was clear from the dark beneath his eyes that he hadn't been sleeping well at all.

"I'm sorry..." He was the first one to break the silence and in his voice she heard the utter shame and self condemnation. The next thing that broke was his voice. Letting out a shuddering breath it was as if all his strength had left him and all his exhaustion had finally caught up with him. "I'm really sorry..."

"Ben..." In all her life she had never seen him like this, but Rey realized that maybe all this time he had been hiding this deep inside of him.

"It feels like I'm drowning... no matter how hard I try to fight back it overpowers me and there's nothing that I can do about it." He sniffed and brought a hand up to rub his palm into his eye. "I'm so tired..."

"Would you let me in?" It was a lot to ask she knew, but she needed him to stop blocking himself off. From her at least. She needed to try to understand how he was feeling and the only way she could was if he opened up that bond they had.

For just a moment she thought he wouldn't and then it hit her at lightspeed. All of his guilt and fear. His feelings of isolation.

She realized that Ben was collapsing under the pressure of being a Jedi. Of being denied his sentience. Of being forced to be something that he wasn't. Something that he could never be. That he was terrified of that dark thing inside of him. Those shadows. There was so much hurt and pain inside of him it was almost overwhelming.

Stepping in front of him she wrapped her arms around him. It was the only thing that she could do right now. Just hold him. He didn't pull away or fight her. He just stayed still... rested his face into her shoulder even.

It might have lasted a little longer, but... there was the sound of a door opening and he quickly tore himself away from her as if she had burned him, but she understood why. If anyone saw them like that they might get the wrong idea.

They went their separate ways then and in that moment Rey decided that she was going to do everything within her power to help him. She couldn't let him face this alone.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.”   
> – Victor Hugo

  
"Help me study."

They were the first words out of her mouth the moment that Rey saw him again and she watched the way his brow raised and he looked around him just to make sure she wasn't talking to somebody else before he closed his sparring gear up in his locker.

"Uh... no." He glanced around nervously to make sure nobody happened to see them together. Not so much for his sake as it was hers. And... then he repeated his answer a little more firmly. "No."

"Why not?" Rey questioned and watched the way that he shifted restlessly.

"I'm not a Jedi. I'm not allowed to be a Jedi. Even if I do... Luke wouldn't let you pass your test because I was the one that helped you." He was sure that his uncle would think that he was corrupting her. Something like that. "Finn is a Jedi now. Why don't you just ask him?"

"Because... you're the best." She played her cards carefully and tried to appeal to his ego.

"Rey..."

"You are. Everybody knows it." While she tried to say things that she knew would be good for him she was also aware that they weren't lies. It was all true. "You should be a Jedi."

"Just... stop..." Sighing he brought up a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose and then finally took one last look around. "Alright. Fine. If you're so desperate that you have to beg me... I'll help you, but don't... tell anyone."

Rey struggled to keep the triumphant smile off her face and somehow or another managed until he had turned his back and left her there. She turned and rounded the corner to hurry to the rest of her classes that evening.

Classes had seemed extra long today. Maybe because she was waiting for when she could see Ben tonight. She was determined to get close to him again and make sure that he knew just how much the world needed him. This time she was going to save him.

Time felt like it couldn't possibly pass quickly enough, but eventually her classes were up and she was quickly gathering her texts books into her back. She was never sure why Luke was so old fashioned and insisted on physical books over datapads, but she couldn't quite complain about it. He had his reasons. Luke always said that you couldn't rely on technology, because it wouldn't always be there when you needed it the most. He was right of course.

Rey headed down the hallways, mostly silent now that most students were in a rush to get out and go about... whatever it was they did with their daily lives. She stopped for a little water from the fountain.

"Rey, are you coming to practice with Finn and I later?" Rose's voice caught her off guard and she straightened up.

"Was that today?" It really caught her off guard. She completely forgot that it was today with all that had been on her mind.

"You forgot?" Rose was a little shocked, because Rey never forgot that today was the day they trained together.

"Must be all the studying I have to do for our test." Rey mentioned and Rose raised a brow, skeptically setting her fists on her hips.

"Rey..."

"I'm meeting Ben." Rey knew that she had to come clean, because Rose was too smart to like to. Of course at hearing that Rose rolled her eyes and sighed. It seemed like she had been expecting that.

"If Master Skywalker finds out..." Rose trailed off and shuddered to think of what might happen if Luke were to find out about this.

"He won't find out because you and Finn are going to cover for me right? Right." Rey didn't wait for a response and smiled as she turned and headed out of the main building, leaving Rose sputtering, but knowing that Rose was the best friend anyone could have and that she would definitely cover for her... and Finn would cover for his brother.

"Fine! But you owe me a weeks worth of chocolate bantha milk at lunch!" Rose called after her.

Rey simply smiled when she heard Rose. A weeks worth for Rose's silence was worth it. Even if she was sure Rose wouldn't hold her to it because she was too nice.

It was quite a walk to reach the hut where Ben resided. He kept himself very isolated from the other students and Luke had approved of it because of Ben's nightmares. She recalled one night in particularly Luke was sure that Ben was going to bring down the entire temple... it'd been the night that Luke readily agreed to let Ben go off on his own and live a short distance from the temple.

There were a few caretakers in huts out here, but not all that close together. There was some decent distance between them. She did notice the flash of lighting in the gathering clouds in the distance. It seemed it was going to storm. That was fine by her. She had always loved the rain.

Rey let out a faint sigh as she knocked on his door. She was left waiting there several minutes and then she wasn't sure if Ben was going to answer at all. Maybe he was just going to ignore her-... and... Oh, no there the door was opening.

"I-" She'd been about to say that she expected he'd leave her out here all night when she realized that he must've been in the shower, because the front of his shirt was open and he was toweling off his hair. For some reason the sight of his bare chest had her brain short circuiting.

She wished she knew what strange aspect of her mind refused to let her tear her eyes away from him, but she couldn't quite bring herself to look away as quickly as she might have liked to. He was much stronger than she had ever imagined him to be. His body looked as if it were cut from marble and she wondered if it was as smooth to touch.

If one didn't count just the faintest dusting of hair in the center of his chest... and that small trail that led down and disappeared into the waist of his-no! No. No. She quickly glanced up to his face, but fortunately for her Ben Solo was the most oblivious man in the galaxy and didn't really seem to notice her gawking.

He raised a brow and waited for her to finish what she was saying, but it seemed that she wasn't going to finish whatever it was that had been on her mind.

"Sorry for the wait. I didn't expect you were going to be here this early."

"It's fine." Rey hoped her voice came out as normal as she could make it and she would guess that she was successful by the way he stepped aside and gestured for her to come inside.

His room was... not what Rey expected. It was so dark in here. Empty really. He had a bed... had a desk to work at and... that was it. Nothing to brighten it up. Nothing to decorate the room. She would have thought that maybe Ben would have a few small hobbies he might take up or maybe small ways to make his room lively. He didn't.

It seemed that Ben didn't see the same problem when he folded the towel and set it aside before he sat down on his bed and waited for her to join him.

"Where do we start? What subject is giving you the most trouble?"

"Uhhh." Right, she had to think up what she was going to say. Reaching into her bag she pulled out the datapad where she kept most of her notes and handed it over to him. "I guess I just want help going over a brief refresher course..."

"Right." He didn't seem thrilled, but he was willing to help.

Rey watched him scroll over the datapad and silently read through everything. She remembered Luke and Leia talking once. Luke called it something like maladaptive apathy... whatever that was, but she felt that it was because Ben always had to stifle his emotions. He couldn't be open about his fears or sadness with Luke.

"Self-discipline, tolerance, compassion, harmony... Rey you had to write down the entire creed? You haven't memorized it, yet?" His tone came out a little more than surprised when he read over her notes.

"I did! I just... wanted to keep the creed with me."

"Why?"

"To remind myself of who I want to be." She supplied simply and to her surprise he actually didn't argue with her. Didn't have a single comment about it. "I thought for certain you were going to say something about it."

"Why would I? It's a good philosophy." He scrolled through the datapad with brief brushes of his fingers. "What am I looking for-ah... there... your math is off."

Rey's brows rose because she didn't expect that he was actually going to find something like that, but she supposed that she should be grateful.

"You need... to subtract five... from each side..." He corrected her mistake and then held up the datapad for her. "See?"

It was surprising to watch Ben so dutifully work on homework to help her. They weren't in the same classes for things like math. Although what math had to do with the force she would never understand. Half the time Rey wondered if she was ever really going to need all of this nonsense. Why couldn't she just learn the force? What else did she need?

Though as Ben looked over her work her eyes wandered around his room. It was so dull. She wondered why he hadn't done anything with it. Why he hadn't made it feel more like a home, but she did notice the desk near his bed.

Upon closer inspection she noticed the calligraphy set and things started to click. Since he was so distracted trying to correct her work for her she was able to lean over closer to it and then reach for one of the papers. Fortunately he was still absorbed in the work that he didn't notice when she snatched one of them up.

The writing... it matched up. It was Ben.

"It is you..." She lifted her gaze up to him and watched the confusion on his face just before he glanced over at her and then how his expression changed to one of horror as he realized what she had.

"Give me that you little brat!" He quickly reached for the paper, but Rey did what she could to keep it out of her reach, twisting this way and that to keep him from getting it back... although that proved to be a mistake in itself.

She lost balance when she tried to lean back and so did he because he'd been pressed so close against her trying to get that paper back from her that they both ended up falling backwards. She only let go of the paper to quickly press a hand against his stomach and perhaps keep herself from being crushed, but he caught himself and she didn't really need to do anything.

The situation was odd... she had sparred with him before and even then... it hadn't felt as strange as this did. It was as if there was something that she wanted from him, but she didn't know exactly what that was.

"Give it." He insisted again.

"Have it then." She relented of course. It was only fair. It wasn't her goal to upset him.

But he didn't take it.

She'd expected he'd just take it and kick her out after the frustration she had caused him, but he didn't for whatever reason.

"Don't tell Luke..."

"I've had absolutely no intention to tell him at any point." She didn't know why he was so worried, but as long as assuring him made him feel better. "You didn't tell him about the party."

"I should have. Would have... until you made me your accomplice."

"I made you my accomplice?" Her voice rose in pitch the way it did when she thought something was funny and her accent came across a bit more than usual.

"You did."

"You are absolutely incorrigible." She responded, but at least he didn't seem as mad. She did however noticed how exhausted he looked. The dark circles under his eyes. Reaching up she traced her fingertips along the top of his cheek bone, just below his eye. "You look exhausted."

To her surprise he didn't answer and what was more he actually leaned his face into her hand. She knew he had to be exhausted if he was so tired that he wasn't being the perfect padawan. Following all the rules and demanding that she not show these little physical affections. And if she expected an answer he never gave one as to why he wasn't sleeping. Instead he did the unthinkable. The unimaginable.

Ben Solo actually leaned down and kissed her. She was so stunned that she actually didn't kiss him back and he pulled away just slightly with a certain fear in his eyes. Like he expected her to scold him for having done something wrong.

He looked like he was going to panic and that was the last thing that she needed was to lose the progress that she had felt they made. So Rey did the only thing that she could think of and sat up slightly to quickly kiss him because she knew that words wouldn't be enough.

It wasn't as if it was bad kissing him either. Not unpleasant in anyway and he distinctly tasted like the coffee that he drank every day to keep himself awake after not sleeping during the night hours. In fact it was nice. Any thoughts about help with her Jedi test that she may or may not have needed help with. It was long forgotten.

The storm finally rolled in and rain started to downpour on the academy. Rumbles of thunder and flashes of lightning, but they hardly noticed. Far too caught up in one another and they stayed that way... forgetting about everything.

This wasn't something that she ever imagined... getting caught up in a boy of all things... and yet here she was.

"Mmm." He broke off from the kisses and reached above her for the datapad. "I figured out what was wrong..."

"Right now? Really?" Rey honestly couldn't believe that he broke apart from her just to fix some mistake she'd made on her test... or more that he could even think about anything else at all.

"That is what you came here for." He reminded and then set it back where it was and glanced down at her, but that smile on his face was unmistakable. Smiling was not something that he was known for. "It's really coming down out there... you can stay if you would like."

That was quite a bit to take in. He was asking her to stay the night with him. Though she knew he wasn't asking for any nefarious reasons. He was just asking. It took a moment of consideration. Judging with how hard the rain was coming down she decided it would be a good idea to stay. Especially if it meant keeping him company. It was clearly something that he needed.

"I'll stay." It was decided. He nodded when she said it and then sat up a little bit to start adjust his bed a little. He was going to let her sleep in it and take the small couch in the corner instead, but of course as he stood she grabbed his arm. "I'm not kicking you out of your bed."

There was a moment of silence that passed between the two of them and he nodded again, albeit nervously.

"Okay."

"We've slept together before."

"Yeah... when you were little... and you had a nightmare and snuck into my bed. This is... this... is different." He wanted to explain why he wasn't too sure about sleeping in the same bed as her, but he couldn't really.

"We'll figure it out then." She tried to keep her voice as gentle as possible. Like one might with a startled animal. He was just as skittish as one sometimes.

He sighed, grabbed the datapad and saved the changes on it before powering it down and then he adjusted the bed again and made room for her. He put up some of his art supplies as well, having been in the middle of a small project when she had come in.

Once that was done he settled down in bed and turned the lights down. He was nervous about sleeping. About nightmares. He was a little afraid that he might startle her, but she had seen him like that before. Unfortunately.

She waited a moment and then she moved over towards him when he held the blanket open, crawled under it with him and settled into his chest. It felt as comforting as it always had to settle in against him.

Rey waited there for a moment and then felt him shift behind her and carefully place an arm across her stomach and pulled her a little closer. It was nice. He was large and warm and that was comforting. She felt safe with him.

"Goodnight, sweetheart." His tone was filled with affection as he spoke, leaned in to press a much more gentle kiss against her cheek.

"Goodnight, Ben." She reached down and stroked her fingertips along his arm, felt the strength under his skin.

They remained like that until they both finally slipped into a peaceful sleep.

* * *

 

Something woke Rey from her sleep. She wasn't sure what it was, but something had changed in the air. It wasn't from Ben. He wasn't having a nightmare. His breathing was slow and even against her shoulder where he had buried his face sometime during the night. So if it wasn't him... what was that feeling? That sickly, inky feeling that she usually got from Ben when he had nightmares wasn't from him this time.

She opened her eyes and carefully glanced around the darkened room, noted a shadow slowly approaching them and tensed up. Through several flashes of lightning she discovered that shadow in the room wasn't just any shadow.

It was Luke.

Her breath caught, because she realized that Luke must have found out that she wasn't in her room... found out that she was going to see Ben and now he had the impression that they had done something that they shouldn't have done.

"Master Luke... I... this isn't-" Rey tried to explain, but in another flash she caught the lightsaber in his hand and she realized that her initial thought wasn't what she thought it was.

Ben stirred behind her, gasping and quickly sitting up to turn on the lamp next to the bed, but by the time the light came on Luke had his lightsaber hidden behind his back.

"Uncle this isn't... I didn't... nothing happened... I swear it didn't.."

"Enough." Luke said coldly, slowly backing up towards the door. "Enough."

Neither of them were sure what to say as Luke backed out of the hut and disappeared, but Rey wasn't about to let it go over that easily. She threw the covers off of herself and rushed to the door.

"Stay here... I'll talk to him." Rey needed to figure out if she saw what she really saw and if Ben came along it wouldn't be good. The two never got along very well. He'd made it worse and Ben seemed to understand he'd make it worse. So he stayed.

Once she was outside she caught sight of Luke going down the hill and she rushed after him and grabbed him by the hood of his cloak. He turned on her quickly, but he didn't speak... didn't yell. Just from the look in his eyes... she knew everything.

"You were going to murder him..." Rey took several steps from the master that she had once loved. She couldn't believe it. He was really.

"It was a moment of weakness! I wouldn't have gone through with it." Luke tried to explain, but that wasn't good enough. A moment of weakness wasn't walking all the way from the academy to Ben's little hut. No. He'd have had time to think during the walk.

"Why?"

"Because he's dangerous! I know you've sensed it in him. Just as I have." Luke looked her over. "What were the two of you doing together?"

"I asked him to help me study... we didn't do... that." Of course she knew what it looked like, but they were both dressed. It should be enough for Luke. "But you have a lot more explaining to do than me."

"No. He never needs to find out about this."

"So you're just going to cover it all up? That you tried to murder him?"

"You know it would send him over the edge if he ever found out!" Luke tried to argue it logically.

And they knew. They both knew that it was the truth. If Ben found out... he would lose it. He would snap. That would be the thing to send him right over.

"So what then?"

"You'll promise me that you won't ever tell him."

A silence passed between them and Rey considered it. Ben had a right to know, but at the same time he was so unstable if he found out... she didn't want to lose him. She could however... do something for him.

"I won't. On one condition." Rey knew it would be risky, but she had to try. "You let Ben become a knight with us."

Luke seemed to know they'd come to a bit of an impasse. Ben couldn't be a Jedi and yet... if he found out what had happened... there was little room to move. He had to bargain if he wanted to keep everything that he worked to build.

"He'll be your responsibility. If he falls... you'll have to be the one..."

"It won't come to that."

"I hope not. I really do." With that Luke cautiously turned his back and continued back to the academy leaving a conflicted Rey behind.

* * *

 

In the end, Rey decided not to tell Ben. Luke was right. It would send him over the edge, but she had made something good come out of it. During their testing to become Jedi Knights Luke had kept his promise and promoted Ben to knight at the price of her silence.

Currently they were about The Borealis in preparation to go on their first mission together as Jedi with Finn and Rose were coming along as backup. It was a simple peacekeeping mission, but their first mission was important.

Finn kept going on about how proud Leia and Lando would be and Ben seemed so shocked that he had suddenly been promoted. Especially after what Luke had found out, but he was so happy none-the-less. After how hard he had worked... harder than anyone... he was happy.

Rey dropped down into the pilot's seat and glanced over at him with a faint smile.

"Are you ready to go?"

"I am. Let's go." He returned her smile, leaned over to briefly kiss her before anyone could see and then situated himself back in his seat just as Finn and Rose came into the cockpit and strapped themselves into their seats behind them.

Rey flipped a few switches, powered up The Borealis and then shot them into hyperspace... away on their first mission as Jedi. Rey felt that they had a bright future ahead of themselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I had a lot more planned for this... his promotion and their first mission as Jedi, but my depression has come back in full force so I have that feeling of... 'everything I do is worthless and no good... my writing is so bad... nobody likes anything I do' the usually depression stuff... so... that's that. Maybe in the future I'll add to the Jedi 101 series and have some of their mission involved, but I'm not 100%.
> 
> To be honest there are a few new things that I would like to write, but this fandom's policing is so terrible that I feel my creativity in this fandom is so very limited. I had one chapter of a WWII fanfic done and spoke of posting it, but someone immediately jumped down my throat with their assumption of my story and what it would be about telling me 'how dare I romanticize nazis'. In actuality it would have been about Ben Solo as a pilot and Rey an English military doctor who aided him after he crashed. Not romanticizing fascists. 
> 
> I have perhaps two more reylo fics planned... one is a oneshot. Another a short series. The series has been in my head for about a year now so I want to get that out of my mind files. From there I'm not sure if I'm interested in continuing to write for the reylo fandom with how crazy some of these people are after being harassed due to my WWII fanfic. I just don't have the time or energy to deal with drama.


End file.
